In the wintry glaciers of the Arctic, in the niches and abysses and fissures, where even the mighty panserbjørne(armored polar bears) refrain from entering lest the little annoying creatures with little bells on their green caps appear, a general riding of chaos is going on. the Santa helpers are scurrying about and messing with the reindeer. The reindeer are taking a bit of R&R after spending all most of the previous night prowling through the streets of Salem and Hartford(Santa’s fave places- he likes to reminisce how he saved the poor Alice Young and other witches from being burned at the stake) in full ninja-stealth mode, which takes up a lot of energy no matter how many power bars and boosters you have in your backpack. The elves are exploiting their overbearing, obsessive-compulsive boss’s temporary insanity as much as they can. They know that this relapse will not last long- this ain’t the first time after all. He returns after going on crazy binges soon as he remembers that he has elves to drive into the snowy dirt with gift-making. Same goes for the reindeer. They might not have to fly during the rest of the non-X’mas year but they are the muscle of the company. The horned creatures are thinking of maybe flying to Hawaii this summer as Mr Claus will be too busy scolding and punishing the elves for lazing off while he was away to pay them much heed. Mrs Claus is preparing for the inauguration of her Snow Queen Spa and can’t find her cookie detector. Now, she is madder than ever for she’s just found a note from her shameless husband that he has taken it to root out all the home-made cookies from the store-bought. The monster Frankenstein is trace Sasquatch’s Big FootSteps to his secret lair but “they are just too damn large for my magnifying lass to follow!” The Candy Canes are in a snafu, trying to bar the snowmen and women from getting to the the Gingerbread-man’s house- the oven. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world in the Arctic.
How this came to be, you wonder? Where the heck is Santa? Why is the that guy so grim?
Answer number three: That guy is so grim because he is dead and wearing a stupid hat.
Answer number two: Santa is hand-gliding in Rio.
Answer number one: For that I’ll have to tell you a tale. A tale of the Doctor, outspoken flying lizards and a lazy elf.
4 days ago, while Santa Claus was on his merry way to buy some warm milk, whistling cheerfully after a particularly
rowdy fight mild debate with Mrs Claus regarding his recently cultivated tendency to leave bugs in her underwear drawer, he was interrupted by the beauteous and majestic sight of a green-and-blue lizard flying against a backdrop of aurora sky. He stared and stared at the creature; and he saw that it was not so much flying as gliding. He looked upon it and it was revealed to him that he was disabled. For he had to depend on his over-excited reindeer for air-travel. There must be a disability in him for why would evolution teach a lizard such techniques- a beast that had no real use for it in the wider sphere of things- but not him- the Father Christmas, who had a cosmic obligation to the kids of the world? Instead, he had to depend on his beasts who could never remember the right routes and thousands of kids around the world were bereft of gifts every year. It was so unfair!
So he moved on, grumbling and cursing evolution and life in general when he was once again interrupted. But this time, it was a wayward elf who went by the name of Kazukto. this enraged Father Claus even further. Why was this elf rambling and ambling about when Christmas was only a few days later? He stomped over to the smirking elf, who was doodling with a candy cane in the dirt. But before he could say anything, the elf asked, “Why were you staring so dismayingly at Ikimbo the Flying Lizard?”
Santa, being very naive and not recognizing this very obvious attempt at changing the subject, thought that his helper must really be interested in his well-being and told him his reflections.
Kazukto, being very cunning and indolent, saw this perfect opportunity to get rid of Santa for a few weeks. And if some bratty kids didn’t get a teddy, then so what? There’s always next year. So he fished out his Ipad and connected it to the Net. Then he googled techniques of flying incorporated by adventurous humans and brought up a picture of a hand-glider, suspended thousands of feet in the air. Kazukto showed it to his boss, whose face experienced a range of expressions from confusion to enlightenment to disbelief to want-it-for-last-christmas in a few seconds.
Santa Claus forgot all about his moral and cosmic obligations to children and shook Kazukto until he spewed out the details of hand-gliding, reading out loud from his Ipad. Claus dropped Kazukto, who stared at him balefully, and was gone so fast that even the eyes of the elf couldn’t follow him. But the eyes were not paying attention anyway; they were daydreaming about their newly obtained vacation. Kazukto smiled evilly and raised a hand in farewell to no one in vicinity.
When the news reached the main base, there was so much joy in the air. Various creatures tore the gift-wraps, destroyed the miniature cannon replica, murdered Barbies. Mrs Claus raced about trying to find red ribbons and a pair of scissors. And so it went on till the night of Christmas Eve.
The night before Christmas was a grim one. No one knew what to do. Santa was gone- who would deliver the toys now? No one could commandeer the ship but Santa. Beasts and objects alike brainstormed till one little Snowchild found the answer, which was the Doctor! Her exact words were,”We should call the Doctor and the T.A.R.D.I.S.” After several heated discussions regarding the latest flavor of Gingerbread-man’s buttons, it was agreed upon that the child, whose name was Raleyia, was absolutely right.
So they called upon the Doctor, joining hands and tails and screaming, “There’s a monster I my bed!” till a blue box appeared in their midst. Actually that was just for show- Mrs Claus has a flair for the dramatic. While the iditots were doing their idiotic things, Raleyia fished out the Doctor’s number and phoned him.
And the Doctor materialized for he could never resist Earthlings in distress.
So this year kids and adults alike, don’t leave out cookies and milk but Fez’s and bow-ties. And even if you didn’t receive your gift today, know that someday best before the next X’mas, even if you didn’t celebrate this one, The Doctor will appear in the night and present you with something wonderful because the T.A.R.D.I.S. does its timey-wimey stuff and it doesn’t always function like The Docto want it to. I wonder what my gift would be?
You see, Santa vanished and gave us the Doctor. Makes me think sometimes that everything just might happen for our own good.